Qalqalah Sugra

 I just watched Farha, and mow my mood is awful sad, disappointed, terrible It's a simple movie And I believe it's just a few from the large issues

you will get what you aim for what exactly am I doing ? how am I supposed to continue my life? I definitely will fail That's what I thought I have that pessimistic point of view of the world and myself that I'll ruin it somehow No matter how hard I try not to there will be something wrong But, I don't want it Ok, now what if things work well then I enter jannah live happily ever after what if it's really happening c'mon you can't have a 50{50 all for nothing attitude or maybe I need some kind of guarantee? what else it's too obvious and I'm just maybe I need to slow down a little and, right... making checklist and try to work on it the best I could this life is not fair but Allah is fair I have opportunities and various chances I have many things I'll be capable of that I could  work on spend my time on and maybe it doesn't seem pretty well now it's alright things will be fine and I'll enter Jannah for sure

it is 3AM.

In this capitalistic world what do you expect We've been lured by nominal We fell off and trapped I'm not sure whether I am free of the system or anything It's just that, I consider myself as lucky perhaps I am not being enough grateful many people are still on the phase Alpha One I really am not that stupid ain't I, or arrogant I don't know or maybe coward, I must say I'm afraid that I'll be hated I'm afraid to be all alone I'm afradi everything will be lost but the most proper scary thing have I given thought of it, really abandoning it even for a second may not seems like a good plan on how I could just ran carelessly on the side of a canyon on how easily I bring my body over late night on how sickness and abandonment take place which part that it ain't make it scary everything does how am I supposed to invite people when I can't even take myself in how is it supposed to be done. anyway, what does it have to do with people there is an urge...

It's funny on how you think you've got it all right, yeah, alright. in reality, it's just procrastination. you're there  (again) facing pile of laundry (again) facing a messy room (again) facing untouched dishes it's simple and fast and easy yet (again) facing the same thing over and over again how often does these repetition will be? till the rest of my life oh my. and wasn't that what we're facing now and then? the same thing to check on our durability, patience, boredom this is a huge problem especially for me of course, who else am I talking to well, all I need is simply move my foot, hand, body toward the responsibilities (again)

I am pissed of everybody. nope. I am pissed of myself.

Have you ever felt like numb not dumb but numb, sometimes it feels like, what is it exactly do you think you're not gonna be tested? but why this imean, of course it should be this what I am not sure of is that, am i  actually experiencing setbacks? instead of given a higher and more difficult test, I stumbled across the same thing again and again, how should I know it's actually me not passing  again and again so that I need to get this type of test or, that maybe at that time, I am not really solving it. resolve it. done. But who am I, categorizing and filtering tests based on how do I wanna see it like, if I am experiencing a heartbreak then should all kind of ill-heart fall into this category? they might be in other category isn't it? yet, again, I am not sure of it too much thoughts what would they think of me that's always the issue here like everytime i try to do something that has nothing to do than anyone other than myself, then it will appear again recurring i...

Hey, How are you today? Have you been sleeping well? How has it been with your days? How is the wind? How is the blanket? How do you feel? Can we talk for a sec? I am not gonna hurt you, as I used to. I am sorry for that tho, I really am. I am maybe unconscious of it, Just that, I need to tell you something, You've been great so far. You been doing great. You don't need no one to tell you that, do you? You can -not- believe other people. Or hesitate and doubting their words. But you can't probably disbelieve me, rite? We've been together for years quite long time to be compared to anyone else. So talk to me tell me everything share me your sadness and worries and happiness too and I will congratulate you give you what you need from a human It's good to know thta someone actually cares you don't need to convince yourself that you don't care of anyone else or to tell yourself that you are this bad creatures cause you are -absolutely- not. not even close I'...

Loneliness is being with yourself, but even "you" don't want to accompany you.

Ya Allah, I know I'm no good far from goodness far from You yet I still care of how others look at me yet I still expect other than You yet I am still on a very low level I can be Did I make efforts? Do I make efforts? Am I making efforts? It's just  I wish I met You sooner realized about everything sooner but again, it's not working that way isn't it I'm trying to be casual yet I'm afraid it's  too shady of me I know I should come clean to you but I don't know what's there to uncover What's going on for real Why am I feeling so sad and regretful? Shouldn't I be happy and enjoying life? No? I guess it's my fault in unerstanding everything It's so hard to understand myself Please let me know Let me be guided I have no other tho I try so hard to run from You there again, I am  It's too loud the thinking, mind, and idont' know what to address can't it just be numbed and what exactly that is maybe it's not something I need...

Illusion. everything is just an illusion all the hearing and sayings all the sounds and grinned why should I bother tho why should I recognize em but again, asking nonsense yet again, I am stomped it's like, when you found a good song and you can't get over it then in other times you're freakingly bored till the level you hated it so much you don't wanna listen anymore it's gonna be a little more, a little more, hang on in there I can't understand why am I so bored  of literally everything I've tried being proud of it won't solve the problem anyway being so sad about times that's gone neither helps I need a break from these illusions

 Yet there are no other than this. The scars left inside the burnt palms both of my hands when there is nothing matter anymore and you're left alone with your thought where will you stand? with me? or . I'd like to know the answer myself. yet I ain't find it  or what exactly is an answer should it satisfy the logic or make me feels better? Sometimes I felt like I don't know about myself who this person is staying inside the physique for quite a long time, isn;t it how has it been? has it been a joyful ride? or you're getting tired of yourself, me..? There are times when you feel like you wanna divide yourself into various figures like they are kinda different one another it's not personality though it's just some conscience Am I aware that I'm living here and now? Am I being mindful? Or I just, in fact, keep distracting myself from screaming out from all the noises on my head from the pain on the chesr they are loud  and uncomfortable I wish I've nev...

With these beats, I surely can. die temporarily. (read: sleep). Why can't I sleep? I don't know. Or am I supposed to know? Yet again I'm trying.. to fix things. and seek again and again, my ..

 Yet, It's another new page Maybe I do really need a break from all these ambitions and start working on myself the one that is broken inside

 Maybe I shud shut my mouth not really telling anyhting I'm scared but in the same time I wanna do this The thought of it The noisy whispers It's always telling me "you're not doing it sincerely" "you want people to notice you" and everything feels so right so hatefully correct but then what is it for so, what? should I be so perfect? as what you think I am I dont even know which I mean, whoes whispers is it the one coming from bad side or the one from the pure heart how to differentiate how  to know how exactly I know about this thing about intention what is my real intention I'm afraid that it's more hideous than I thought it be I'm afraid that all these times I am just doing useless and wasteful efforts that everything just gonna vanish dissapear all at once just because of one stupid intention how exactly do I really know what my intention is what's my ulterior motive how can I I'm afraid to face it to face the truth that I may no...

I just realized that I enjoyed living much better now Not in the sense that i love "life" or "dunya" -still hate it a bit, ha It's just got this feeling of a relief And this 'dakwa' thing got me hooked never thought it's gonna be now, in this state maybe I'm talking this as if I'm talking to particular person so omoita that's what i thought but it's just when you really wanna do something but you don't know or not sure of it it's just good feeling in the middle of night in the absence of other people and your own expectation i'm not preaching, i promise I just feel the breeze of sigh for a while dunno till when hope it won't go that fast hey, this could be a lyric of a song will i get back on it mou...tabun.. well, perhaps and about that japanese song i really wanna continue on that one and there somes the negative thoughts again and again just, stop it already i am feeling good don't ruin it lol when is the last t...

Thank God that I have You Living Nomad Lately I was facing problem of "rent-room". It's such a trivia thing actually. Yet I was caught up with it. The feeling of afraid to lose comfort. The feeling of not wanting to let go. I am thankful for everything, but I just can't let this one go. This place that already made me so comfortable in life, despite of all other aspects that may not be perfect. But this place is just perfect for me now. That's all I can think of. And knowing that I might lose it, just enough to make me anxious. I am not asking for much. I also not doing many extravagant things, or really that consumerist. I am just asking for this, one place, to stay.  It has the fresh air, balcony, spacious, quite tidy and clean space. It is lovely and enough for me, yet fate telling me other thing. I can't stay, no more. I repeatedly tell myself "nothing goes forever" "you own nothing from the first place" "you have nothing, not even...