God is good: Living Nomad (Part 1)

Thank God

that I have You

Living Nomad

Lately I was facing problem of "rent-room". It's such a trivia thing actually. Yet I was caught up with it. The feeling of afraid to lose comfort. The feeling of not wanting to let go. I am thankful for everything, but I just can't let this one go. This place that already made me so comfortable in life, despite of all other aspects that may not be perfect. But this place is just perfect for me now. That's all I can think of. And knowing that I might lose it, just enough to make me anxious. I am not asking for much. I also not doing many extravagant things, or really that consumerist. I am just asking for this, one place, to stay. 

It has the fresh air, balcony, spacious, quite tidy and clean space. It is lovely and enough for me, yet fate telling me other thing. I can't stay, no more. I repeatedly tell myself "nothing goes forever" "you own nothing from the first place" "you have nothing, not even your body, your life" "those attachments, are dangerous" "you can love dunya more than Allah" "something that is given/borrowed, might anytime taken back" and more and more affirmative sentences. I sucked myself in. Till I'm sick of it.

I've tried to find another place. But it's just not satisfy me enough. They didn't. And I am disappointed, sad, gloomy. The fear of losing taken me ashtray. I tried to fight for it. But there's nothing. There are places, that actually good for another aspect of my life, like.. the most important aspect actually. But if I can't find my happiness or comfort there, how can I stay long then? I can't bear the seconds toward the end of the contract.

I am so caught up with this that I told some of my friends. They suggested many things. I even asked if I could go outside the city or island, since it's the same thing, same result anyway. I have nothing here, that's what I thought. They even offer their place temporarily, or maybe for a longer period. I am quite surprised on how people really there for you. And that you can depend on them, also. And there I am blessed too. This is also the opportunity to get in touch with people, old friends, new friends, online friends, socializing. I am lack of it lately. And surprisingly too, it's comfortable, even way up out of my league. 

Not just that, for the latest encounter. I made an offer with the landlord. And she approved that. I can have my rent room back, continuing the contract, after the renovation for weeks. This actually a good thing too, I can have time to stay at my friend's.

God is good. He gave me better than what I wants, or ask for. He gave me too much. But when there are fears, anxiety, worry, I blame Him for not letting me have more blessing, or to keep it stay with me. He wants to give me better stuffs, but I stick to the "OK" one, or bad ones. He has better, no, best plans. But I stick to my lame plan, just because I don't know His plans yet, and I am afraid that His plan is not gonna be as good as mine. I am so cocky, and "sok tahu", ordering Him around as if I know better. Putting a lot of effort, energy, thinking, what are those for? Nothing. Basically useless. 

But that's necessary. It shall happen. If I am not anxious about it, maybe my friend won't know about it, and this experience of "staying over" will never happen. Wallahualam. So, everything happened is just necessary. It is needed. It should happen. To get this outcome. Since it is the best result, the best decree He gave me. And when things got clear. When I can see the plan mapped out clearer now, I slowly understand and realized. That I am too quickly judging, taking conclusion, making false and negative assumptions, toward the best caretaker of my life. Well, it's not my life from the first place. But I need to make an effort, or else, He won't bother to take everything away, just to make me realize again. That wherever I live (read: leave), He stays.