Numb

Have you ever felt like

numb

not dumb

but numb,

sometimes it feels like,

what is it exactly

do you think you're not gonna be tested?

but why this

imean, of course it should be this

what I am not sure of

is that,

am i 

actually experiencing setbacks?

instead of given a higher and more difficult test,

I stumbled across the same thing again and again,

how should I know it's actually me not passing 

again and again

so that I need to get this type of test

or, that maybe at that time, I am not really

solving it. resolve it. done.

But who am I, categorizing and filtering tests

based on how do I wanna see it

like,

if I am experiencing a heartbreak

then should all kind of ill-heart fall into this category?

they might be in other category isn't it?

yet, again, I am not sure of it

too much thoughts

what would they think of me

that's always the issue here

like everytime

i try to do something that has nothing to do than anyone

other than myself, then it will appear again

recurring in the back of my mind

has it been always like this tho

just how

but not act on it

another problem

like,

feels like everything is a problem

yet again,

who's making it as a problem?

I'll never be done

with problem isn't it

just

we're never problem-free anyway

so if on default I'll have problems

then why bother, ______?

it's going to be there all the time

after one completed, there will be another

yet another again

keep coming in

as if they're already in queue

just waiting for the line

but really

how does it really work

how did I do it, in the past?

it's kinda frustrating now

that it's suffocating tho you don't really

aware of whta's bothering you

like,

I'm bothered

so bothered

the entertainment I used to enjoy very much

(watching anime)

now feels numb

so lazy to do it

if it's not because of the amanah

and stuff

i may not come across it

but when there is no responsibility on it

will I really enjoy it?

It's just that,

I'm not satisfied

there must be something wrong

there must something missing

I know,

it's not all pure and white

my life is

But is it that bad already?

is it really an abandoned park?

I thought

it's gonna be better anyway

in the mean time

but yeah,

i know the best that it's never gonna happen

if I ain't change a single thing

or even staying in the same cliff every single day

I knew it

but somehow

I aint do any

and here somes the 

regret

sadness

disappointment

you name it

but also

that blank face

poker expression

act cool

as if nothing really burst inside

no one ever really know what's going on inside their hearts

only The Maker of this body and heart

I don't even know better

and when it comes to "trying to know"

there's always excuses and "schedules"

slow but sure

it's getting

number.