Qalqalah Sugra

Once you have tasted what Hijra feels like. You will crave for it again. Yet, it is  not that easy. I’ve been following the steps of misguided, who put me in this situation. Little by little, his steps just made me fall further, until I did the same things as I was before Hijra. That I could never think of. Like, you don’t expect it to be like this. But it happened. It is scary. Not the bad guy. Instead, how unstable we are without firm grip. But again, it all their plans all along. I must be smarter than them. In the end, they couldn’t do anything, the just whisper. And that’s the real battle. Imagine yourself, having enemies. It could be an old annoying friend. Or your ex’s ex. Or anyone who you hate just too much. There could be a reason behind it, or there isn’t. But you know exactly, you don’t like these people. Even worse, you want to destroy them. You want them to suffer. You want them to feel pain eternally, for maybe what they did to you, or other reason. This bad guy ...

Real time It is 6.27 am now. I am sitting on the edge of my bed. Typing on the laptop. Crying over things that had happened and now happening. I used to cry alone, with someone, or in front of people. I am, a crybaby. Many things can trigger me to cry. And I do learn about how to conceal your true feelings. Sometimes I regret words out of my mouth. Another time I regret what I've done to my life. In another case, I would regret on not doing or taking certain decision. I always feel bad about my current situation. I should be grateful, I know. I even comfort other person, give consultation. But it ain't apply for me myself. I think I have to start thinking about myself-not in the case of being egoist (cause I already am)-but more about me talking to myself and really taking the words into mind, words, and actions. Perception What is the ideal life you perceive? The one you imagine to achieve? Is it a nice house abroad with cute kids and lovely husband? Online yet flexible and pr...

What is truth? acceptable truth by anyone you met in any part of the world. Do we know exactly which one is the right and wrong? Who is entitled to make the clause? Is it a person, some groups of people, society, country, or...God? We use our mind, logic, experience, facts, opinioin, every resources we have to make a decision. To have an opinion on particular matter. To decide whether an act or something is right or wrong. We have our own definition of truth, based on ourselves, subjective. It is heavily depends on many factors which is unique to each individuals. Maybe someone experienced a bad childhood, then his/her thought of a family is a wrong thing to start with. Maybe in some cultures, drinking alcohol is common, so this is considered as “not prohibited” assumptions and rules or “right”. Many caluses made by ourselves which combined as social truth. Yet again, are those the truth? Back again to the question on “Who”. Who is entitled to rule and decide which right and wrong?...

How to say it... You might think that I am crazy. Cold-stoned heart. I regret for what I did. I didn’t trust anyone. I couldn’t trust anyone. Eventhough I knew, the new page is possible, and permitted. Still, I look behind, and judge. Not knowing what is the truth for real, is a mystery. But that wasn’t important. So what, if people lie to you. So what, if people betray you. S what, if people ended up hurt you. Isn’t that normal? No one could give pure love. No one could be best in forgiving. No one not ever judging you. People always do that. And they will always do. Because they are humans. The One who will never do that, is God. That is why, the only one place your heart should be placed to is to Him. Because, He never betrays you, He loves you too much, He forgive and forgot, even He gave blessing for whomever who wants to come back. What’s there more to ask for? We put our trust in people. We put our hearts in human. We give everything for this world. But we always get disap...

Lie vs Good ? When you realize that you lie about something. even how small it is. It trasform into a small black dust in your heart. You feel it convenient, comfortable, for you. Or maybe that is the right thing for you, or for other people. Lies are never good. How good it sounds like. How comforting. How luring. How goodness could come out of something bad. Started as good, white, is hard, yet deserved to be valued. If you are in that someone’s position, imagine how hurt it is to be betrayed. Maybe it is a small thing, an unimportant trivia thing. yet, you dont how it meant for other people. Imagine you being the one you lied to. What is Lies Lies are plural of lie. One small little lie will lead to another lies to support the original lie. Lying means saying or doing something that is not the exact real fact with the exact amount of uality and quantity, also the impression it made. Adding, reducing, changing, the content from small amount to complete new ideas, are considered...

Life Imagine yourself in a running race. It could be a marathon or sprint. With rewards of everything that you ever wanted, in front of you, as the prize. Your rivals? Oh wait, there is no rival. What? How could be? Apparently, your rival is yourself. They are: your nafs and bad whispers on your ears. They are trying to make you give up the race, slow you down, fail utmost. And we don’t even see the finish line. Remember? it could be a marathon with long time of life till old age, or sprint, where accident just happened in teenage. Well it doesnt sounds much like a competition isnt it? Let’s see competition in it’s definition. An event which consists of 2 or more parties with reward can not be shared. Hold on! Rewards can not be shared? Sounds limited. While on the other hand, paradise is unlimited. And it is not shared, nothing is decreased for you. It is freaking even bigger than you ever imagined. How is that possible? See, world’s beauty is a small preview of paradise’s pleas...

Is it People may lie. People may betray. People get bored. People can do anything harmful to us. But, there lies a tiny light called trust. We could trust someone. Believe in their words. Proved by their actions. We could give people chance and opportunity. We could make ammend and promise someone else. We may have distrust, dishonesty, to anybody. We could hurt someone else. But there also left a tiny hope, called guts. Despite uncertainties in life, we tend to rely on this small hunch feeling, that sometimes we put our trust on making decision. In some occassion, there is a glinch of awareness that emerged. Whether it is a guidance, a direction, a clue, or a convincing feeling   on something we have doubt before. In making decision, the more likely we have things in our mind, the more difficult we try to take and sure about the decision we make. In another case, we may not even know why we are so sure about it. We don’t need any prove from someone else, for them to prove thei...

Back Home Our home is in heaven. Adam was once in heaven, it is his home, our home, and there we will go back to. Now, we are traveling. In a strange, add, place, yet seemingly overtime became familiar. So familiar till it get to our own eyes, as if this is the real thing, the destiny, our destination, and we are here already. Yet, behinda the big wall covering our eyes, the bigger, way much bigger reality, heaven. Forgotten, fooled by our own greed. We are forgetful. Things surrounding us, is a slow yet fake fatamorgana. it deluded us, to get sucked and diverted. This journey, is short yet felt so long. Depends on what you do in it. How are you looking at it. How you spend your time and existence. This place happened to be called, Earth. Heaven might be in other kind of planet or it might look like earth-in way much better way. but the reality is, worldly life is only a preview, a glimpse of what you will get in heaven. Imagine you are looking at a wall in front of you with gold and...

Things we Love What are those? What does that mean? The things we love? Because it brings happiness? Why then if doing some kind of job that we udes to like, over time it is not that enjoyable anymore? What is really that things we love? Then, can we trust our own feeling? Love. Could that thing we love, is actually bad for us? I am bored with my lazyness. I was thinking, how could I? Wasn’t it everyone’s dream to be able to be free from work 8-5, be free from standard of routines boring job? Yet, I am not satisfied with this kind of too-flexible job anyway. So, what is it actually, the things we love? Flip it out What are things we hate? It is when we experience bad things. Or we are so bad in somekind of job or skill. Maybe it is something we dislike. Or maybe something we have trauma about. All correlate with bad experience and dislikes. But most of us, need to do that. We are obliged to take the job, we force ourselves and make decent reasoning on why should we take the job a...

Sometimes I felt like I am toward goodness. But still, the way is not that “good”. So, there is still doubt and it left me hanging as if it doesn’t belong there. How do we perceive ourself, others, things, surroundings. Goodness is our default goals. And the path is not always a free-toll way. It left me craving for goodness, either for me or for you. Craving Craving doesn’t always means wanting so bad. Craving could also defined as longing for something, or missing something we once had but maybe lose it. When you are in hunger, you are craving for food to fill in your stomach. We all need food, and we all will ever experience that “hunger”. Same thing goes to goodness. We all need goodness in our life. When things going just too bad, we’ll be craving for even the least good for us to consume. Once it is minimum filled, maybe we are distracted by something else. Then we got hungry again, again, and again. Goodness We already talked about “Good” earlier. Let’s discuss about goo...

A Sign Everyone been in this state. Boredom. Nothing happening. Or maybe things happening, but we don’t feel like living in it. Nothing exciting. Nothing hillarious. Just numbness. And we try our best to get out from this state, by numbing ourself more into entertainment, distractions, hanging out, going out. Yet, it always doesnt last long. Why we feel bored? Even playing games all day long, could be boring. Even traveling everyday to different cities, could be boring. Even in a relationship, could be boring. So, why do we even feel annoyed by being bored? First, this is due to things that we are doing is constant. Even constant pleasure, will turn out to be “not that pleasing” anymore. It will be just so-so. There is a dopamine hormon in our brain which stimulate feelings. But, if the dopamine keep going on and on in such short time, don’t you think its not a good idea? Our body need balance. We don’t need to be happy all the time, actually. It’s just when we get the urge, or f...

It’s pretty clear that being honest is hard for everybody. From the simplest to the most complicated situation we are facing. All the time, we are forced to be true to ourself, or deceive it. We know exactly the right thing to do, the best thing for ouselves, the decision we should have made. But in the end, we just... lie. The Biggest Lie Lie to The Greatest, our God. Yet, it can not be called lie, I guess, since there is nothing can be hidden from His knowing. He is All Knowing, even what’s in our heart. We might not even know. Then, what is it called, if it can’t be considered as lies? Rebellion? Abundance? Hmm, I don’t know for sure. What’s clear on the table is, we are not doing what we supposed to do. Some sort of miscarriage in taking decision. And maybe it is related to lies. Lie to ourselves. We know we have to pray, as we believed in. But we deceived ourselves into not doing it. We know that is a poison, but we drink it anyway, just for the sake of temporary pleasure. W...

A piece A dream is not only a dream, when you aare trying hard to achieve it. A time won’t last forever anyway. There will be no sense of urgency if you don’t make it urgent. And I am not satisified. There will always be dissatisfaction. Why am I doing so hard for things that I dont really like, actually. What am I trying to prove? To whom my time, life, and soul belongs to? I want to cry, a lot. Since I force myself to laugh too much. That’s right. I am empty. There is no happiness in it. There is no ewal meaning about it. What am I doing here? What am I really looking for? People to like me? More people and more people? Make a squad of people? Then, when some people truly love you, what did you do? You are asking more. You expect too high till you don’t even look at yourself. That you are the one who is low. And that is scary. I become a mean person. I become somewhat I regret to be. What am I trying to say is, I am me. The bad and the good side. And about this sadness, maybe I h...