Real Time Writing 2:43

 Maybe I shud shut my mouth

not really telling anyhting

I'm scared but in the same time

I wanna do this

The thought of it

The noisy whispers

It's always telling me

"you're not doing it sincerely"

"you want people to notice you"

and everything feels so right

so hatefully correct

but then

what is it for

so, what?

should I be so perfect?

as what you think I am

I dont even know

which

I mean,

whoes whispers is it

the one coming from bad side

or the one from the pure heart

how

to differentiate

how 

to know

how exactly I know about this thing

about intention

what is my real intention

I'm afraid that it's more hideous than I thought it be

I'm afraid that all these times I am just doing

useless and wasteful efforts

that everything just gonna vanish

dissapear all at once

just because of one stupid intention

how exactly do I really know

what my intention is

what's my ulterior motive

how can I

I'm afraid to face it

to face the truth

that I may not as 

what I think I am

have you ever known of 

a term

fooling yourself

and then you became a fool yourself

I don't know

Do I really know

what's going on

with myself

everything kinda felt like deceiving

what people gonna think

what others gonna judge

I am sick of it

I am sick of myself

I am so tired of bad-ness

I feel it on my veins

I feel it in my breath

I hate it so much

That once you know the knowledge

Then you're encountering a different thing

you hate it so much you can't handle it

can I?

really?

what's going on?

My mind is so stucked up with things I don't understand

and I'm gonna share this to the world?

what you mean is maybe -no one- ?

why is it so hard

to not to care

to just

leave it be

live it alone

I don't want to be

acknowledged

or recognized

but somethings inside kept telling me to be

acknowledged

recognixed

do you know how hard it is

to fight yourself

I dont wanna make myself an enemy

but I can't do this anymore

we need to get along, me

I can;t keep you awake whole night

I know you're tired

and there's always reason to stay awake

then we started to make plots

and excuses

even better,

something productives

I miss morning, me

I need it

I want to be alive

for just

idk

couple days?

would you let me?

please

Maybe people 

can easily say

just close your eyes

just keep your phone away

just

do

it

but 

the issue is not it, isn;t it?

I'm just sad, ain't I?

over what?

loneliness?

i dont think so

like, really, what is it

what is wrong with me

can someone just tell me

cause, all the time

I felt like

things are just flowing like it never stop

I dont wanna be care

about everything

can I not?

am i too far

already

i guess I am