A Conversation

Ya Allah,

I know I'm no good

far from goodness

far from You

yet I still care of how others look at me

yet I still expect other than You

yet I am still on a very low level I can be

Did I make efforts?

Do I make efforts?

Am I making efforts?

It's just 

I wish I met You sooner

realized about everything sooner

but again,

it's not working that way isn't it

I'm trying to be casual

yet I'm afraid it's 

too shady of me

I know I should come clean to you

but

I don't know what's there to uncover

What's going on for real

Why am I feeling so sad and regretful?

Shouldn't I be happy and enjoying life?

No?

I guess it's my fault

in unerstanding everything

It's so hard to understand myself

Please let me know

Let me be guided

I have no other

tho I try so hard to run from You

there again, I am 

It's too loud

the thinking, mind, and idont' know what to address

can't it just be numbed and

what exactly that is

maybe it's not something I need to do

maybe it's something that I misunderstand

all these times