real Me

Real time

It is 6.27 am now. I am sitting on the edge of my bed. Typing on the laptop. Crying over things that had happened and now happening. I used to cry alone, with someone, or in front of people. I am, a crybaby. Many things can trigger me to cry. And I do learn about how to conceal your true feelings. Sometimes I regret words out of my mouth. Another time I regret what I've done to my life. In another case, I would regret on not doing or taking certain decision. I always feel bad about my current situation. I should be grateful, I know. I even comfort other person, give consultation. But it ain't apply for me myself. I think I have to start thinking about myself-not in the case of being egoist (cause I already am)-but more about me talking to myself and really taking the words into mind, words, and actions.

Perception

What is the ideal life you perceive? The one you imagine to achieve? Is it a nice house abroad with cute kids and lovely husband? Online yet flexible and profitable job for the income stability-for your own? Is it impossible? It's not. Then why are you always perceiving yourself as being poor, lack of this and that, unhappy, and live in regretful way? Am I really like that? What or who am I actually? Is it bad or wrong to have a me-time, and crying over trivia and big things in life? Should not I do that? Is it something more like a retrospective? What is my vision and mission in life?

Answers

I might look at myself as pitiful lady who is always trying to escape life. And then I am tired of running nowhere. Why am I judging my life so bad? Because people said so. Because the one I look up to said so. I am tired of living up expectations, standards, filters, scores, deserve or not deserve. Maybe I only want a simple, honest, straightforward life. Without drama, without sweetener, without lies, without mask, without fakes. Because I felt like now I am, just bad. Unauthentic. Always trying to be looked like someone else, either better or worse. Yet again, who am I actually? What are my thoughts? Who I wanted to be? it is not a matter of "What should I do" anymore. Since it is already an obvious things. But I hesitate on doing those "what am I supposed to do". The questions will always be asked. And the answers will always be blurred.

So who's gonna answer me? What do I want out of this life? Do I really looking at myself that low, lazy, not pure, liar, barbaric, rude person? Maybe yes I do. All the time, I am looking down at myself. Not really optimistic about it. But when reality hits, I felt like, I want better and perfection. Yet it never comes, or I just throw it away, since I judge myself do not deserve it. So, the one who should be answering my questions are... me, myself, and I. I really have to dig deep down. To find what truly I value. To find the realness. To find me, myself, contentment peace, and tranquility.

The Journey

When I am excited about something, I was so caught up in it. But it won't take that long to maintain it. I am easily distracted and get bored. Ah, now I got distracted with something else. See ya around....