Who Am I (Part II)

Now I know that I am a human. I was born more than twenty years ago. Wow. I mean, that sounds like a long time, yet I felt like I just born. Ha. I was born in an island in east part, but then my parents moved to the west side and stayed permanently. I grew up. Many things happened on my childhood that I am not proud of, but also what I’m proud of. Proud. Hmm, interesting word. We’ll talk about it later. And then, after some life experience, I went into schools, university, even took job in a company, resigned, traveled, took freelance, and here I am now. That’s it. Well, it surely doesn’t feel like years. But what I am surprised at, is that how short it feels like. They say hundred years in dunya is one day in kubr (grave). Well, imagining I am laying on the ground doing nothing inside a grave for hundred years sure scares me. I can’t even stay in the same room for more than 5 days. It’s interesting how we perceive time in our own life-timeline. Some days felt so long to be over. Some days felt went by so quickly. Time.

I felt like I am trapped at first. Why am I here? Why am I a human? Why ain’t I a rock? Who says I wanna be a human? Ain’t I have free will? Why can’t I decide what I wanna be?

Well, there is a bit slicec of story on our previous one. When we are first created as a soul, we’ve been asked whether we wanna be human or not. If we agree to be human, we will have 2 fate option: (1) we will eligible to get paradise if we follow Allah order and prevent His prohibition, or (3) we will join jinn in hell if we didnt do no.1. We are given all the terms and conditions, including fact that once we enter dunya we will forget everything that happen before (the paradise view, the deal, etc), we’ll be given guidance book, and leaders, etc. After consideration, we all want to be human since we want the paradise prize, and so confident in being able to do Allah’s order, prevent Allah’s prohibition, during our stay in dunya. Even the jinn is there. And so it is decided.

So now. here we are. Reborn as human with the soul created at that time, but we forgot everything, we forgot the deal, the conversation, the scene of paradise, or the hell. I used to complained, asking “why? why am I here? I don’t wanna be human, I wanna be a rock. He seems firm and okay. Being human is tough, it’s hard, and sad. I am sad”. But then, I was thinking, I may be short-thinker, but I am not stupid. If I used to agree in something that is so risky, it must be true. Anyway it doesnt look like a polling or you follow another soul and it will be shameful if you choose to be rock instead of human, unlike other souls. You don’t even know anyone yet at that time-I guess. So, I think all my soul has at at that time is dzat of the creations. And it’s formed from nice-glowing-light (in my imagination), so it must be good, i mean, my soul must be “clever”. And wise enough to make this big decision into being human.

Despite of what happened earlier, here I am now. Inhibited dunya for over twenty years, yet still struggling to find a way to go back home. No. To stick into the road of Jannah. Since the enemies are everywhere, they are not tired from distracting me over and over, trying their best to make us their company. I can choose everything in my life with my freewill, given by Allah. Following order then eligible to enter paradise, or being swayed and deluded by jinn then going to hell. Life is all about options, choosing the right answer. The case is, we know the right answer, the detector is already planted in us, it’s our heart, soul, yet the tough thing is the decision making. Are we strong enough to banish the fake temptation of dunya? Are we patient enough? Are we good enough? Are we willing to sacrifice? Are we making ourselves better? Are we...

And who knows, when is our times up. When everything is too late. and there left the regret. I was like, does it really matter anyway? Questioning why am I not choosing to be a rock.. I guess I am tempted with the greatness of paradise. It’s wayyyyy much gorgeous beyond everything compared to what jinn offer. Well, let’s say jinn offer the whole world luxury and wealth, but I am (my soul) not tempted. Well, it’s pretty obvious isn’t it? And anyway, it’s kinda too late to ask those. I am here already, what I can do best is quickly get over it. But it’s not that simple too, I dont know my score right know, and I am not sure whether my provision is enough to get me into paradise. What a cliche.

Going back to the concept of time. I guess I am having a really short time. Maybe my soul used to over-optimist about me being able to beat the challenge. But, hey, it’s me myself, I know what I am capable of, and It’s not over-optimistic, it’s just I need to do longlife learning and battle in every second of my worthy life. Maybe my soul thought it’s a short time anyway, less than 100years is our average life-expectancy right? So it was like, a day in grave, even I dont know, a second in paradise? So maybe my soul perceives it as a very short period, what’s the difficulties in just following Alahs order and preventing the prohibitions? Even the best part is, you can repent, like Adam, unlimited. Allah is the Most Gracious, but only the best and righteous humans can pass the test. And it’s fair. We are given freewill, it’s our responsibility in turning ourselves into paradise or hell.

So, who am I? I am my soul in this human body who is striving to get to know what’s going on. All this time.